Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
These aliens are taking forever.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.