Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”