Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“A little help here, Danny?”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
The honesty is refreshing
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis