Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
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Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Don’t talk down to me
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine