Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

dead inside

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

go easy on yourself <3

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

How much for the goth pool noodles?

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.