Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Dishonest mechanic?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”