accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.