[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
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the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.