Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
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Pat is about to own someone
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.