Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher