Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
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[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.