Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
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I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Called it
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did