Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.