*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?