accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.