accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.