Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
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[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Erm I’m gonna say no
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]