Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Not today
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??