Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.