Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.