Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.