*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
You Might Also Like
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar