[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.