Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
The government even made aliens boring
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.