Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I’m confused about plants
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go