accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I just tested negative for patience.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?