Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
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If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Don’t tell me what to do
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.