*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
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I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Dudes named Chance never had one.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate