Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.