accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
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Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor