[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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United Steaks of America
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman