Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.