Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6