Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.