Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
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I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.