accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
emergency phone
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Goodnight 🐶
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-