Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window