Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My dad is at it again
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.