Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.