<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
as the prophecy foretold
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.