Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
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Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning