*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
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me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
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