@BumbleDC

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

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@michimama75

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

@KrunkedRobot

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

@Darlainky

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

@averagegrades

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

@OmarNajam

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

@FSUSteve

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@pleatedjeans

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@Parkerlawyer

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.