Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
You Might Also Like
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
The three genders
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.