Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly