Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
You Might Also Like
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Every work meeting this week
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?