Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.