Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
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The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now