Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.