@CorkyKneivel GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
@sucittaM Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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@CorkyKneivel 
@_elvishpresley_ Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
@JohnLyonTweets Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
@adamgreattweet thanksgiving in nutshell
@LaLuchaNix I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
@couch_goblin Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
@TheAndrewNadeau LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
@WilliamAder Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
@Love_bug1016 I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
@KevinFrisbee “Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.