Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
You Might Also Like
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: