Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
You Might Also Like
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.