Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
It was worth a shot 😂
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.