Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner