Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years